I'm just going to wear my emotions as my sleeves

There comes a day when our lives fall apart that starts with a phone call. I feel like i am in a car full of emotions that jumped off a cliff that is heading to rock bottom . Barely surviving cause momentum hasn't yet over token gravity. At this moment, in the failing car I am in a prison of fear, scared of getting more hurt. Last tuesday i feel like i been shot with a shotgun in the heart that open those countless open wounds that bleed for the last couple years. Any second now, i could become heartless from the lack of blood and love. That I feel like I gotta put on this mask cause I could bearly hold a smile for a second. But only if, people paused and look in my eyes, they would see that my soul is grieving from everything that's going on. They would see stains of tears that has been flooding my pillow at night. In this prisión cell, I gotta deal with myself. In the past couple days, I don't even know myself. I feel my heart hardening and turn callused of this ever lasting cycle of pain. It's killing me inside, that I am seeing this creeping up on me. Im constantly fighting against this depression from coming back, to be honest it's creeping. Depression has turned my familia to a cemetery full of my former homies. Im done feeling this way.God I'm calling out for you, hold me with your arms full out of love. Be that refuge that has always been there every day since I dyed to myself. Please I beg hear the cries for the desperation of a suffering and broken servant and son. Please catch this falling car before I hit rock bottom. Lord, If you dont, I hope I wake up seeing your arms wide open . Where I won't feel no more pain, tears, morning but rather be in your presence.

The Wisdom from a Lyft Driver

The Wisdom from a Lyft Driver

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow said, “A single conversation across the table with a wise man is better than ten years mere study of books.” Except tonight conversation dealt with a Lyft driver that in the midst of a divorce and has two kids three and seven. Her name is Liz, she started to talk about her children and she sacrifices her sleep, her food, her wants of getting $20 dollars shoes (I know mothers can testify to this) for her two little boys. I feel like this forty minute conversation, could’ve given me the spark to keep on fighting.

            The first thing that I am going to take away from her is that life is full of sections. Life sucks a lot but we have to enjoy the seasons of life we are in because we will have this precious time back. She said, “That too many youths are trying to grow so quickly that in a couple years, these youth will end up regretting wasting those years.” She pointed to me and said, “please enjoy your youth, I heard about the struggles you faced with your parents and life overall but don’t let that destroy your young adult life. I know, you want to be a youth pastor in the city but enjoy your time in school and this period of life. Also, don’t lose that smile and laugh because the older you get, life smacks you right in the face and with that your smile and laugh is gone.” I really needed to hear that because lately I feel like my smile, laugh, playful, enjoying life personality has been slowly disappearing because of things I saw and see in the street, the systems, basically life knocking me down and not wanting to get up.

            The second thing advice. she told me is that you can have the whole world behind you believing in you but the way things in life will change is when you finally believe in yourself. Like I was saying, that a lot of our dreams can be like becoming the president, police officer, pastor, best janitor, best parent, and whatever you want to add to the list. The only way to accomplish our dreams when we are surrounded by horrible circumstances is by believing in ourselves. So she told me, “I believe that you can become an amazing youth pastor, the only way you could do this is by believing in God and believing in yourself. Also know that you could be an amazing father like you want to be by being a positive father figure to the kids now and already learning to sacrifice.” I feel like I been lacking in school but not too much is because I let the problems in Chicago get in the way of me believing in myself and God that I could make a difference in a hurting Chicago.

The third and most important thing about the conversation, she said, “By hearing you talk about your vision and about how God has changed your life. I am going to go to a Christian church.” This made me super happy that God answered my prayer for being able to use my mouth to speak to others. When I was having a conversation with her, honestly it wasn’t my word but instead it was His words and Him keeping the conversation going. She said, “She will expect to see me at New Life Humboldt Park in two weeks.  Please pray that God will speak to her and use this conversation for his glory.

I felt like learn 10 years of life lessons in a 40 minute car ride.

obvious is beautiful

In the moments that we say something so obvious...like your hands are cold or your hands are soft....it's a beautiful moment that we got off our phones and finally being present in the moment. In the moment that two lose their selves in the conversation that they step in each other shoes for a couple moments. The joy that comes that somebody finally listens to us and we could be free to talk about the good in bad in life.

It is obvious we only have limited amount time, that we are all ticking and tocking, walking the fine line between days and weeks as if each second speaks of years and each month has years listening to forever. Knowing that for us we got a day that it could end but personally we live life like we can't die. Some people believe that they are too pretty, too dressed up, too busy, too young to die but death is slowing coming closer every second without your consent. It makes me woundering how am I going to use my perious time? Am I going to waste  time just sleeping in while time is passing by? Am I going to waste time on my phone to accomplish nothing at the end of it? Some of us even including myself that we are so blinded by our phones that the world in front of our lives is falling apart and we cant do anything about it because we wasted time? It makes me really think about whats important in life and is my usage of time really point back to it? Us wasting time is obvious to others but we know that we are throwing away precious time that we could spent with love ones and spending time with God.