Transparent and beauty

I am at a retreat for college students to go start Christian clubs in Chicago.  It has called me that we as Christians have to be transparent. Being honest about the pain and struggles. Reflecting on my self I am still feeling a lot of pain from the past and have my daily struggles but God has made my life bearable and being content on where I am in life. In the sense of struggles he has comforted me. I am not saying if you become a Christian that your life is going to be way better but you will have a personal relayionship with God that will be there every step of the way. I have been hearing girls testimony and struggles with self confidence.  Let me tell you.. you are beautiful the way you are. God views you as his precious daughter and wanting a relationship with you every day. Been catching every tear you dropped. It has been breaking his heart when guys are messing with you hearts.  He is saying to you I LOVE YOU.

Stuggles

Since Thursday I have been hurting..my friend  committed suicide. .. it has really made me reflect if what I am doing is what God wants me to do. I spent a couple night and talking to God. A lot of my friends asked me for advice nd help them with the pain.. But honestly I am hurting, spilled a lot of tears and makes me choke up while talking about it.. The only reason that been getting me through it is crying out to God and laying everything forward and feel in my heart that he is saying that he got it undercontrol.  This whole expense made me think about depression. I dealth with it for two years and it was horrible and asking God every day to let not let fall back into depression. This is the intro..... Depression is like a elephant on your chest that you have to face everyday but the crazy part it is also the elephant in the room that nobody want to talk about. Daily looking up at the sky seeming like heaven is so far away. Making hope shrink by the hour. In the meantime I am looking like Ronald McDonald on the outside but inside I am dying. In a room full of people, feeling alone. I am afraid of being alone with own thoughts and it's so bad that I can't even look at a mirror cause I think to myself ...am I good enough to be loved ....like really...If my parents don't love me..then why would you even spent a second with Me. Is my best be good enough angways? Every night wishing that i dont wake up in the morning. But that wish has never been answered.Every day i wake up in a state of morning because my pride lies to people that ask me "are you okay?" My pride response by saying I'm alright...I'm okay....I'm all good really..While my heart is screaming for help. The Air keeps seeking into my lungs...even though I do not want to breath..again depression is a personal cancer that I can't get rid of.  When i am finally worn asking for help People be telling me to pray more and read the bible more but bro this is the harderI ever prayed in my life and most I ever read the bible but I am still dieing inside. I struggle with this for 3 years and lost 10 friends in the past couple years from depression. Worst of all I just lost a homeboy last Thursday that committed suicide while dealing depression. His words screaming for help but people just stood there and liked his statues. It only takes one person to chance somebody life. If anybody of you feel this way..I am always here to listen.

If you have any questions or prayers or anything message me please.

Why am i doing this?

I am probably not the most intersting, not the smartest, not stand out but i want to be a man of God that would be valunerable and share my struggles and deepest thought. The reason is that somebody out there may be facing the same thing but scared to share it. I know that people may use these thing against me but i dont not care. its all worth it if it speaks to only one person. I feel like God has been convicting me and working on me to be transparent even to a point that it hurts. It may seem weird that a guy would be sharing their emotion and their struggles but there is too many christians that put on a mask like everything is okay...if it is that its all good...i rather be a christian that can relate to others and be upfront. I am praying that God uses me to speak to you... i would love to receive any messages of any comments or someone to talk to cause im here...

Doing this out of Love
-Orlando